I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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