I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
