I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
