I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
