i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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