I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
