dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
