There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
