what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
