Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
