just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
