Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
