hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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