I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
