You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
