I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
