I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
