'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
