Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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