sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
