you traded sex for a burrito?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I need to sanitize my soul.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
