i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
