There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
