just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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