So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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