I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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