Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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