He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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