Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
