he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
