if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You pole danced in your parka.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
40s are totally the cure
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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