Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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