I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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