I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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