if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize