If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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