I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Girls should come with a carfax report
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
