I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
