i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
NoShamevember. You game?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
