four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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