Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
