You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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