so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize