so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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