my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
