the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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