her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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