Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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