no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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