Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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