he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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