I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
