Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
