im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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