I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
