and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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