i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
