i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Couch. On fire.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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