I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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