Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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